I slept for only about an hour last night due to anxiety after a somewhat vicious verbal attack that took place, of all places, at my weekly art group. Two weeks ago I was told that I couldn't attend in the afternoon any more, and could choose to stay only in mornings or all day. We have two daily sessions, morning and afternoon, and places are limited. Some people come in mornings, some afternoons and some stay all day. I tended to do a bit of each. We've got about one spare place in each session (although in practise there are always a few more because not every member comes every week).
Up until that point I was free to choose to stay if I wanted. Of all members only I was told that I could no longer attend afternoons and I felt upset at this because it was a restriction of my freedom. I also thought it was a bit illogical because there are often spare places, but I didn't say that at the time. Later after talking with another member I thought that everyone should feel that they could switch round a bit if they wanted and wrote a two sentence letter stating that I'd like the freedom to choose to stay and that I thought that everyone would want that right.
Unfortunately the most powerful personality in the group and de-facto leader is a bully who can't be crossed. Several members are afraid to air their concerns or oppose his will, and so the way the club is run tends to be decided by him. There are odd consequences of this, I remember a unanimous vote for a special day where members bring in work to explain it. When the day arrived nobody wanted to participate, and in fact people had to be shouted at, or rather ranted at, about team spirit and such to make them participate. Of course the whole affair was because people were pressured to vote for a day they weren't that interested in.
Anyway, yesterday's debate ended up with me being shouted at for (apparently) desiring to cull nine members of the group so that sufficient space was available for everybody to stay all day. A complete paranoiac extreme exaggeration of reality, used to force me to back down. At first shell shocked, I found the experience traumatic and am now far too afraid of the club to consider returning.
I know about how to cope with trauma, due to my interest in psychology. What's been shown to help is: Writing (not talking) about the experience. Writing about the benefits of it. Drawing the experience. Taking exercise to cope with physical stress. These things I have done and will do. The experience was worth it for the painting idea shown alone.
Most people could probably easily cope with a purely verbal beating but I'm a sensitive soul and unused to dealing with people (before I joined the club I spent nearly twenty years in isolation and the social contact has benefitted me and changed me in myriad ways). I think that sensitivity is useful and important to my artwork, and must be preserved. As such, I must seek to detect and avoid negative aggressive people in future.
I'm too stressed to work today and will go for a walk in the spring sunshine. It's nice to see the sun.
