Awake gripped with terrible stomach pain at 2am, the worst yet. I thought at the time that perhaps this is how cancer might feel. I can quite understand why people would want to kill themselves just to make it stop. I got up and paced, which helps, while listening to some of Beethoven's Last Quartets, so good.
I slept and dreamt of David Bowie going on Parkinson to promote his last album, then leaving the studio to be euthanized, too early in his mind. Parkinson regretted not interviewing him for longer, knowing that this was his last gasp of life. In another part my mother told me that my brother never liked me. There was also some part about a YouTube video sequence of people setting fire to themselves accidentally, or as a mad 'challenge'.
The pain has eased but is still strong. I must try to focus on doing something. The world seems dark and terrible but Beethoven's world was worse. He had a knack of writing his musical uncertainty into the music, the start of the A-minor quartet begins, like many of his works, in aimless wandering before it finds an idea. I found the third movement particularly wonderful.
