We dart between terror and anxiety, which are the thrills, the essence of life, energy, creative force; and peace, contentment, the deadness and nothingness. Neither on their own are useful, though generally I fear contentment most, as this can be like a drunk state. I used to meditate, every day in my twenties, for ten years, but I can't now and don't need to; those pats of my mind which I need to access I can access at any time when needed. The process of meditation can be calming to a troubled mind, but can also train the mind into a state of deadness, neutrality, a sort of terrifying death. We can rest and find inner peace at any time in life, find acceptance and comfort at any time. After this is achieved, then the thought of it is horrific. We were at peace before we were born, and will be after we die. Life should be about work, social experience, interactivity, the transformation of chaos into order.
Perhaps creativity shouldn't always be a battle, not always difficult or hard work, but, for me, if it feels easy it is not valuable. I hate and fear laziness. What is difficult is good, but one must be careful of artificial difficulty; things must be a challenge, not difficult for their own sake, so challenges must be logically rather than emotionally constructed, and must concern the new. Everything is training towards an ultimate, and never attainable, mastery.
