Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Complete Pyjamas!

That's it! Today I recorded the final vocals for 'Except For The Hatred', deleted the one called 'Years of Art', the weakest track. It may never see the light of day, and now the album is complete in its rough draft. It's taken more time than usual deciding on the order of tracks, and many needed tweaks - though not nearly as many or taking as long as for Burn of God. I am learning. I needed to add more mid-frequencies to 'Norman Bates', tweak some vocal levels etc.

Next I must think about linking. I've always liked the idea of linking tracks one into another so that they smoothly flow. Also, I need to work on the cover art.

This album, originally without a theme, has a theme now, of madness. Two songs are about serial killers, two about fear and retreat to angels, one about hatred... one about a severed limb, yet there's a lot of comedy in there too, of the right, intelligent, sort. I'm surprised but pleased at the unity of it all. Perhaps 'Moments of Terror When Falling Asleep' stands out most because it's so digital and hard-wired, very sequenced, compared to the rest of the album. This track also sounds constantly out of tune, partly because of the atonal subharmonics in the mock-Hammond organ; this itself makes it sound dangerous and makes its finalé that bit better.

One setback is that my CD drive seems to be either broken or struggling. I need this for master burning.

We're halfway through the year. Backup day and digital tidying and housekeeping tomorrow, something I do every three months. The new Spiral Staircase CDs are on their way too. Onward!

Monday, June 29, 2020

Falling Apart Again

Completed a film about The Anatomy of Emotions, and a new, unplanned, video for one if its tunes called 'Meeting Eno'. The Anatomy film reminded me what a breakthrough album of sorts it was for me, in terms of playing the piano and adding words to my music.

In the afternoon, in a somewhat melancholic mood, I played the piano for the first time in while and wrote a few words to go with the tune. It has a bit of a Somewhere Over The Rainbow quality to it. My main musical inspiration was 'The Blanket Roll Blues' from Scott Walker's Climate of Hunter album, his words are by Tennessee Williams. I'll probably include the song on the Pyjama album project.

Falling Apart Again

I'm falling apart, again
I'm falling apart, again
I can't hit the high notes
like before
won't somebody help me
up off the floor

Is somebody out there
going my way
my dreams of tomorrow
died yesterday

Everything is very very dark
again
very dark
again
I can't feel the sun
like before
won't somebody help me
up off the floor

Sunday, June 28, 2020

Admin, Twin Peaks

Spent all of yesterday on admin duties, first adding dates and languages to my YouTube videos. I'm reminded how many I made in 2018 due to ArtSwarm and how good some of these were (it is a shame than these are unwatched).

At lunch I watched the Twin Peaks pilot for the first time, watching the second half later in the day. So few of the characters mentioned that Laura Palmer was dead; I think only the high-school principal said so at all, the rest was conveyed by awkward pauses, over-the-top melodramatic tears, and grimaces. It also reminded me that every self-penned David Lynch film or project, perhaps except for Eraserhead, is basically set in the 1950s and that all of the characters look and behave like something from Grease no matter what the 'official' era. Peaks (I guess the sexual allusion in the title is no mistake) has far better production values than the X-Files. Of course, I'm officially 21 years out of date watching and considering this, but 2000 is now among my culturally most recent years.

In the afternoon I thought I'd add my latest four CD covers to my website, updating Animalia and The Spiral Staircase with the latest ones. This also involved updating the prints on RedBubble and this apparently simple job took four hours.

One other thing I did was record the vocals for the song 'Except For The Hatred', which is a marvelous track but so very hard to sing. I have little chance of performing this live, there are many octave jumps up to high G which is my most feasible top note (I can just hit an weak A, but even the G is pushing it).

I feel to need to create something but what, and I'm torn between faster jobs or pausing to consider a bigger and more important project. The talk videos about old albums seem a bit pointless, yet, when I think of what is 'ideally' there, then all of the albums would have one, and in a mere week could probably make one of these for every album anyway. The Spiral Staircase could do with some music videos too, but I'd rather leave this and let the music speak for itself; does Jean-Michel Jarre worry about the lack of videos for, say, Magnetic Fields? It would be nice if a video student or collaborator makes the video for this.

Saturday, June 27, 2020

Alien Slave Dream and Scotland Loss Dream

Many epic dreams on the hot night of semi-sleep.

In one I was slave. Earth has been taken over by aliens who were intent on destroying all humans, using humanity as slaves while the process took place. The aliens took human form, but perhaps slightly larger in size than us slaves. I think they had to take human form but they didn't like the idea and found human bodies crude or unpleasant. I was the servant of one alien, some sort of military officer who eyed me with suspicion. He looked like the actor Marc Alaimo as he looked in the Deep Space Nine era. He sensed I was trying to escape. In conversation, I tried to convince him to live as partners with humanity, using the argument that empires which seek only to conquer and destroy don't last. He wasn't convinced. I was passed to another alien for a time, a dark haired woman who was more kind to the slaves. I think I suggested that we have sex. She was unsure, and when naked became afraid of the idea.

Meanwhile I had made contact with a group of other slaves who wanted to escape. Generally each alien had one human slave as a manservant so we often passed each other and could talk if were were discrete. A group of us planned an escape and I and a female slave who could drive left in a simple car, something like Sam's silver car in the film Brazil. We went round a huge ring road that surrounded 'The City' the industrial domain of the aliens where I worked, but we missed the turning away to the main road and ended up passing half way, at which point we realised the one-way road went backwards. We became anxious that we were spotted but fortunately the road was empty. The car seemed to be failing or chugging along. We drove back into the city after a complete loop, my master saw me enter the checkpoint at the entrance/exit and eyed me with suspicion, but I had an excuse in mind as slaves were allowed out to do shopping or other tasks. We drove into a dead-end alleyway, an area a bit like a covert garage which provided fuel and oil, and other supplies like food, from a machine. The machine was provided by some sort of charity and it had a jar for donations attached to it. We took a few buckets of petrol (literally filling the car with buckets) and met the car's owner, another slave, who said that the car needed oil, that was its mechanical problem.

I think that was the end of this. I wonder if this is some battle of logic and emotions, or something to do with forcing creativity. Perhaps the dream had a message that conquest can't or won't work, but that was only part of the dream. Who are the aliens? This might even have been related to hay fever which was noticeable in the night.

An earlier dream had an equally complex narrative. A man lived on an island off the south coast of England. A female acquaintance moves in with him on a temporary bases while her female friend, a children's illustrator who she lives with, goes to Scotland for a job or retreat. The man and woman don't get along at first, he is used to living alone, but over time they fall in love. They become concerned that they've not heard anything from the illustrator, and I think a second companion (a friend of either the man or woman) also left to explore Scotland and has also not been heard from. The couple decided to leave for Scotland and find out what happened to their friends.

Thursday, June 25, 2020

Book Cover, Bastille Day

Almost too hot to work, 26.6 degrees in my room and didn't go below 25 all night. Today I've designed a book cover for a secret future project (not mine).

I ate strawberries for lunch and chopped the tops off with a knife. The look of the pile of tops reminded me of heads during the French Revolution (as I am sure it does you) so I made a simple film of a strawberry King Louis XVI being decapitated. The backdrop involved lots of contemporary protests and I felt that these current times have revolutionary echoes too. The words "liberté, égalité, fraternité" were initially shown in a bloody font to screams, and I liked the emotional contrast, so I filmed a few more scenes to extend the film; an arm cut, toast made and jam eaten. In the end these were not used but I did use one scene of the (actual) Louis XVI strawberry being squished into my head as though I were gunshot. I told myself that the mark of a film maker is in the quantity of great scenes filmed at great length and great endeavour which are never seen or used.

For the audio I used a free MIDI file of la marseillaise and made it up in Prometheus, adding a few sound effects from my library. The film will go on my site on Bastille Day.

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

Mulholland Drive, Annoying Connotations of Surrealism

Watched Mulholland Drive last night: a masterpiece, certainly Lynch's best film since Blue Velvet or Eraserhead, if not the best of his career (I've yet to see Inland Empire - will do this soon). This is a 'symphonic' film and uses repetition to convey an emotion and idea with deep complexity. It reminds me of Sibelius 5th Symphony, or the Rachmaninoff's 3rd Piano Concerto, or Beethoven's 5th Symphony. It should be seen in this context, not as a simple narrative.

This reminds me of two annoying associations of the word 'surrealism' which I dislike:

First, of dreams. Dreams can be a good root of creativity, as a way to access the normally blinded parts of the mind. Meditation is another way (a shutting off of our external senses for internal analysis). For creativity, we also need to un-dream and un-meditate; we need to take in source material, eat, and investigate and use it, digest. Both of these phases are necessary and important. The negative connotation of dreams is that they can be seen as nonsensical or easy whims, frivolous imaginings where anything counts, the psychological equivalent of 'action painting'. This should never be the case in art; the artist is a creator, not bystander while random things happen. Dreams are a tool. It can belittle surrealism to associate it with dreams in this way: 'I don't have to understand it, it doesn't have to be about anything, it's just a dream...' an ultimate insult for an artwork!

Secondly, that surrealism is based on psychology and needs 'interpretation' in a way that other art or ideas do not. We can interpret anything, any artwork, film, or piece of music, but perhaps because of surrealism's connection to dreams and Sigmund Freud and psychoanalysis, it has a unique heritage of connection to mental illnesses and therapies, which itself is irrational. In my example above, people do not tend to interpret Sibelius 5th Symphony in a psychoanalytical way in the way that people have interpreted Mulholland Drive, even though they are similar in structure and effect, and probably similar in the way they were created.

I've said before, I prefer the interpretation of surrealism as a representation of a hyper-reality, using imaginative means to convey a full gamut of emotions and sensory effects. That is all. Connections to psychoanalysis (or psycho-anything) are not relevant. Art is about feelings and ideas.

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

Poetry Videos

Spent today recording and editing new videos of reading some poems from The Burning Circus. I decided to try using the Rode M3 mic into the Zoom H4, rather than my trusty Rode NT3. The whole thing was ruined; massive white (or pinkish) noise in one channel obliterating any vocals and lots of this hiss in the other too. Both channels were split via a splitter... I wonder if the 48v phantom power somehow caused problems this way (I use a battery for the NT3). I (unwisely) monitored just by looking at the levels so the sound was ruined despite a lot of work dressing up etc. for each poem.

Not all was lost. I used my cheap zoom lens so the camera was closer to me than normal, perhaps 2M, and the conditions were very quiet so the camera mic managed to capture the audio adequately. These videos will gradually appear on my channel over the coming weeks.

I'd like to create and publish a video per day in July, but with speed can some a sacrifice of quality. In art, quantity is generally better than waiting to produce something 'brilliant' but a good film, for example, can't easily be made in a day - the length of the film fundamentally limits the time needed to make it. I can make just about any 60-second film in a day (although stop-motion might be tricky), but a 90-minute film in a day might be a tad boring and cheap looking as there won't be time to edit it, prepare it, process it etc. In terms of pure creativity, there is a certain build up of ideas that demands peace and a rest, of perhaps more than a day, but only perhaps. Many ideas are instantaneous, even for 90-minute films.

With my current catalogue I can make two or three year's worth of daily poetry or song lyric videos, but I'd prefer some more variety.

Monday, June 22, 2020

Moments Of Terror, Glass Dolphins

I awoke late after a rather unpleasant and sleepless night, I'm usually upset by Father's Day. In the night I remembered something I read, that the Roman Gods were invented because the people were selfish and savage. Perhaps a secular society always has this selfishness problem, and a god will solve this (or perhaps patriotism, but even that is moribund these days). Perhaps a new god for an atheist world can be developed, a figure that everyone can 'believe in' and unite behind while, at the same time, knowing that it is not 'real' in any physical sense, only made 'real' by the belief, and so devoid of superstitions and persecutions; if it is beneficial there is no need to ever proselytize, people who 'believe' will feel the benefits. I must, one day, develop this new religion.

A productive day. I worked on the 'The Fingers of Evil' production, experimenting with various ways to boost the impact of the 'Who is right now?' section. I recorded a simple piano part leading up to it too. Everything must be dramatic and drama is a matter of contrast.

Then I made a short film focused on a glass ornament. The most interesting part is the glow effect. To get a powerful blur in video the most efficient option is to shrink the image them grow it again. The gaussian resize in AVISynth does an amazing blur, massive, in a very short time using this method.

I've decided to try and make release a film of some sort every weekday for the next couple of weeks. This blur effect has already been one new discovery of this.

For tonight's video I recorded a short film of me singing the first verse to a song called Moments of Terror When Falling Asleep. It's an interesting song, very experimental and different, and thus, exciting. It will probably be part of Pyjama My Warehouse. I only say probably because my plan is to create more music than is needed so that I can select the best tracks.

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Nasturtiums, Creativity, and Guitar Practice

A busy and good day here, despite getting up so late.

First I completed the edit of a video, About The Love Symphony, which I spent most of yesterday making (actually, it took three takes, each in a different place). In the end, the final take was the only one needed and I managed to edit together the video, plus sections of other films with audio, or other video using the main video's audio quite easily. It was a matter of dividing the main part into sections, noting the start and end frame numbers of each.

Most of this was done last night, but having an overnight pause to re-examine things is very useful. The only change I made today is fading out one of the film clips, as the jump from these to the speech parts can be a bit sudden.

Doing this change and uploading, plus uploading the full Love Symphony film to my music channel took until 3pm. The day, by 3pm, feels like it is mostly gone, but this is illusory as it is technically the halfway point.

Then I watched a David Lynch question and answer video, which he posted yesterday. Suitably inspired, I decided to make a short film, quite unexpectedly. I was walking in the garden and saw that the nasturtiums were fully awake and showing their hand-palm leaves to the sun. Some little ones had 'fallen down' and seeded themselves in the lawn. They looked very alien and like satellite dishes, so I filmed them with the aim of adding some grainy Apollo-mission space effects and audio. This took less than 30 minutes.

All of the time I was considering David Lynch's talks on creativity. Someone asked what is a good way to generate ideas... for me the answer is simple. Ideas are everywhere, anything can be an idea. In an artwork, what part of it is the idea? You could say it starts at the very beginning, but, perhaps more accurately, every aspect of the artwork is the idea; the idea is made manifest by making it into something real. Also, we oftel self-deceive and magic up the idea after we've made the art!

Of course, we can become inspired, startled, en-loved by some unexpected thought which pushes us to create. There are tricks known to boost creativity; having a plant in the room, thinking of opposites to one thing, using abstract limits ('everything must be blue') or external ideas like Brian Eno's cards.

Perhaps even the inspiration process itself is something that, also, grows from a seed, and only when its big enough in your mind will it reveal itself. Where these come from should be simple too; the mind is a machine which accepts and processes information. Everything that comes out has gone in at some point, and most of our thoughts and ideas (and dreams) are the result of what has gone into our minds, usually recently (but sometimes years ago, those thoughts bubbling like fragments in the hot oil of our minds). If you want to generate ideas, all you need to do is expose your senses and mind to lots of variety of input, then relax, and let your dreaming (or meditatory) mind flow and the idea will reveal itself.

After my little film I got back to work on Pyjama My Warehouse and recorded some vocals for The Fingers Of Evil. It's a very odd track. This took until about 8pm.

Then it was time for guitar practice. I have a new idea for how to practice; I have decided to play along to my entire CD collection. Today I've played to A New World Record by ELO, which is surprisingly easy (certainly easier than A Kick Inside by Kate Bush!). Most of my playing is on one string and often hilariously bad, but it's the trying and self-monitoring that is important. Even if every note is wrong I'm training my arms, hands and fingers. Repeatedly doing anything is how we improve.

Bubbletown Dream

I slept for 11 hours. A good night of creativity dreams.

At one point I had superpowers, having stolen them from an alien who looked a bit like the Pokemon Pikachu, and I managed to fly and climb the rigging of a tall ship to escape him/it. The power seemed related to Harry Potter somehow, and a hat (perhaps due to my cornuthaum, which some compare to 'something from Harry Potter' - though the hat in my dream seemed to be more like a gold helmet). It was very much a light hearted atmosphere, as the alien was a friend and I'd stolen his item in a joking way. Everything was yellow and golden, the sky, and everything glowed, perhaps as though in a computer game.

I was now dressed as Superman, flying over an alien rocky valley to help people, being chased by the real Superman, who wanted his outfit back. I began to view the scene from afar, no longer was I this super character, and he was now a black man, perhaps an echo of the War Machine character in the Iron Man films.

There were other things I dreamed of too; making a rainbow from plasticine, the yellow in particular, using the material like paint to fill in an area. Deb was with me, painting her own rainbow, using more conventional colours or materials. She thought my choice of plasticine was bizarre or wrong. I said that one can use a solvent to smooth it out if needed. I was not concerned that I was using only one colour, it felt right to do so.

Another scene. I was late for a train, due to depart at 14:40, I think. I was unsure of the time and kept thinking that I'd either missed the train, or that I was on time. There were only a few people in this strange railway station, perhaps due the Covid-19 measures. Having initially panicked that I had certainly missed the train, I was now sure that I was in time, a few minutes early, but then noticed that the clock seemed to be the exact time on my ticket. I ran around in a panic, trying to find the train and platform. There were only 6 or 8 platforms, but none seemed to have my train. The last one was taped off and deserted, yet I was sure that this was my platform. There was a new area for replacement buses, where a small crowd gathered, but even that didn't seem like mine. I urgently asked a member of the station staff and they seemed to think that I hadn't missed my train and that I should calm down, but they couldn't find my train either.

Then, I was on a train, making tea or living there. There were almost no passengers, just the occasional passer-through, and it suddenly became a huge modern building with light yellow walls. Almost nobody was there, just me and one or two other people who acted like maintenance workers, like a skeleton staff. I think one of the others was Paul Challoner from my school/college days. An attractive woman was there too, one of the occasional visitors. She wanted to go for a walk with Paul Challoner and I volunteered too.

We walked to B&Q in Crewe. The car park contained metal street lights which were sparking, each with a huge orange spark all around them, curling from top to floor. The sparks were silent and rather gentle, almost like aurora, perhaps like Jacob's Ladder Transformer sparks, but we still thought that this was rather dangerous. Men in hard-hats were there, examining the problem of this loose electricity. They said that it was caused by gas under the car park and I seemed to know that there was a cavern full of gas there, released by lots of dead bodies from an ancient village of people who used to live there.

Then, the BBC had made a drama series set in Crewe and I was watching it on television with someone else (my mother? Deb?). There were images of the town centre and the old library, and there was a river there, next to the library. The place looked really nice, clean and better than I thought it actually was. I kept commenting at the new, surprise locations which I didn't know about. There was some parts of Municipal Square that had little bridges over the square ponds, and these were bubbling due to the underground gas. The person watching television with me commented that this was bubbletown.

Saturday, June 20, 2020

Audio Sync on Canon EOS and Zoom H4

Spent yesterday organising and ordering the new Spiral Staircase CDs. The music is identical (although this version will include CD Text, track names etc.) but the artwork is new for this addition, the first commercially replicated version of this album. The cover has a very tiny movement of the title text but the 8-page booklet artwork, and the back and CD surface, consists of new digital images.

I feel listless and directionless. My hearing problems threw off my music work. I want to be sure that my older music like The Spiral Staircase, The Love Symphony etc. is as valued and good as anything new. I probably mention this often, the job or updating and curating older work, but it is important... I've encountered so many artists who pile up older work and ignore it, but for me it should be as good quality in presentation as anything new, and, at the time, I rarely paid much attention to these older albums. All creative work takes more 'promotion' of it (I hate this and the idea of it) than the creation of it, but in music is might be 50 times more! An album might take 14 days to write and record and 2 years of touring to promote it.

I'd like to record some videos about my albums. I've done a few before but now they seem to simple and samey, somehow, when these can be an opportunity for art too; also, I should do this for new albums as part of the general release process. Steam forces me to do this for games, so I should do the same for these major artworks. Of course, this takes away from time to create new work. It is a balance.

I've spent the first 5 hours of today fixing an audio synchronisation problem. It's something to do with either my Canon EOS 1100D camera or my Zoom H1 (I am surprised it could be either) or my video conversion software, or audio formats, but when I save out the audio from a film it is longer than the identical audio recorded on the Zoom H1. It's like time is somehow shorter on one device. It's not a matter of frame rate; this is the raw audio saved out at the original frame rate. The film is recorded at 29.97fps. There are frame rate issues if I assume the video is 30fps, this will effectively change the audio length to 99.90% of normal (29.97/30.00 = 0.999) - but this problem involves a smaller difference and has been a problem for some time.

I've taken a 15 minute film and sound recording and noted that the difference is about 99.6% so all I can do is shrink the audio by this first. This isn't perfect (and this annoys me) because SoundForge won't handle or work with fractions of a percent, and for some reason 99.6% and 99.7% produce identical results (bugs - I seem to be the only programmer concerned with accuracy! If I create a song at 60 beats per minute in my software, Prometheus, and make it exactly 60 beats long, be assured that the resulting file is exactly 264600 samples long. It is these details that draw the line between average and the best software).

Now, to consider and charge at new art. All indecision, distress, depression, lacklustre-ness is due to uncertainty: the existence of intangibles which must be rationally and emotionlessly calculated, broken into specific problems, and logical step-by-step solutions. We need passion and energy to create art, but the activity of making requires rational and emotionless thought; not happiness, not sadness, not calmness, not excitement, but incessant, robotic, mechanical work.

So, I must decide; to make these videos about music. And if so; what to include, what they should look like. Script. Film. Edit. And, deadline. It is the 20th of June, solstice day - there is an annular eclipse today - I can't find out when the last eclipse on solstice day was. There are 10 days left of the month. Ideally I'll finish all of the album videos and finish Pyjama Ny Warehouse in these 10 days. The clock is ticking.

Thursday, June 18, 2020

New Album Artwork

A strange day. I'm feeling disconnected from the world more and more, and perhaps this Coronavirus lockdown is part of it; the general lack of human contact. I wonder if the recent political changes are due to people, normally interested in their own lives and worlds, now have nothing better to do than interact with the news feeds on social media, become armchair politicians, and now, unlike 20 years ago, can instantly start movements and get political changes done. It seems a little scary to have a mass of any-old-person control the country in this way, but then, I've felt that about actual politicians for years. We're all at the mercy of idiots. I cope by paying absolutely no attention to them or any political movements, limiting my interest in politics to studies of human history and the singular moments of voting.

In art news, I've started to consider some art books about my existing music, and update my album artwork. Over time, I've changed as an artist and improved massively (well, hopefully) but I have a legacy of old stuff that is still there, and needs updating every so often. I've done a lot of that with my paintings, a lot of re-framing, and with the new Synaesthesia and Animalia albums, have updated these two oldest works (I don't know if I'll update anything else for now - I must be aware of the balance of creating new things vs. archiving old ones).

Eight of my albums have been commercially replicated on CD: Mark Sheeky, The Love Symphony (2012)
Mark Sheeky, The Anatomy of Emotions (2016)
Mark Sheeky, Cycles & Shadows (2017)
Fall in Green, Testing The Delicates (2018)
Mark Sheeky, Music Of Poetic Objects (2019) [8-Page Booklet]
Marius Fate, The Modern Game (2019) [8-Page Booklet]
Burn of God (2020) [8-Page Booklet]
Fall in Green, War Is Over [EP] (2020) [8-Page Booklet]

I've also, in the past, made up a small number of CD-R albums with laser-printed art: Mark Sheeky, Synaesthesia (1999)
Mark Sheeky, Synaesthesia (2002)
Mark Sheeky, The Incredible Journey (2002)
Mark Sheeky, Animalia (2004)
Mark Sheeky, Flatspace (The Official Soundtrack) (2007)
Mark Sheeky, The Spiral Staircase (2008)
Mark Sheeky, Stupid Computer Music (2008)
Mark Sheeky & Tor James Faulkner, The End And The Beginning (2009)
Mark Sheeky, The Twelve Seasons (2009)
Mark Sheeky, The Infinite Forest (2010)
Mark Sheeky, Once Upon A Time (2010)
Mark Sheeky, The Sky Disc [EP] (2011)
Mark Sheeky, Bites of Greatness (2013)

And a few albums have never been released on CD, like Pi (and the new ones), but I've often prepared CD artwork them. Now I think I'd like a few of the best albums to be commercially replicated with an 8-page booklet, so I've spent today and yesterday updating the artwork to 600dpi - enough for a nice 24cm square poster for each page, and adding more pages as needed.

They are only on sale on my website and my personal contact and I've hardly sold any of these. It seems more were sold in the early days, and I've sold the odd album at live events. CDs are perhaps not a popular format now, but perhaps they will become popular again, and importantly art should have a real, physical presence... digital art is ephemeral and literally worth less than 'real' art. I own several CDs which are really precious things to me - and other albums which are not, naturally, but the cheap ones in cardboard sleeves feel of less value. I really want my albums to feel and look as important as they are to me - I make these as artworks, as my legacy, as something as valuable and artistically important as any painting - and I'm sure that one day, they will be seen as such, so they must be presented at their best.

So I've added are for Tree of Keys, Pi, and The Spiral Staircase. The Spiral Staircase artwork is all new, different from the art in the previous CD editions. I created it using a variety of digital organic-style texture generators and an effect called Vortex Warp many years ago. This is the first time I've re-visited that effect in over ten years. The ribbed stair-like images seem to match the music, which is some of my most dramatic and powerful. Years ago, Susan Mascarenhas made a fantastic 40 minute video projection to accompany the live performance of the whole album. Here are some of the new pages:

Determinism and Will

I wrote this some weeks ago but think it's time to publish it today. There is a lot here, perhaps it is worth a book, one day.

I believe in a deterministic universe, one where the future is pre-set, laid out. If the past exists for certainty, the future must exist too. If time is a dimension, then the future is no less real than a distant location. If time is a dimension, then the universe is necessarily one, multi-dimensional sculpture, and we, as beings, appear to be flying through time from past to future (although this feeling of motion is illusory, I've written on this briefly before).

This creates problems for will, our sense that we are doing something by choice; that we can change the future, make decisions, and are responsible for our actions. I postulate that all aspects of will can be explained in terms of ego, our sense of self-importance; that when things happen, we sometimes attribute these actions to us, and we consider those actions wilful, but that those actions, in reality, occur irrespective of us: the aspect of will is an ego-driven belief which occurs after the act, not a cause to the effect of the action.

We act in many ways. Some things we do are considered wilful, conscious choices. Some things we do are not wilful: unconscious movements, autonomic functions beyond our control (eg. our heart beating), acting without thinking, or doing things without thinking about the consequences. It seems that some actions are considered more wilful than others. We might carefully consider doing something before doing it, or make a quick choice, or do something without the notion that we are choosing to do it. Importantly, everything we do changes the universe, but only a small number of our actions are considered wilful by us; choices or activities that we, ourselves, have chosen to do and have done.

In a deterministic universe, every action is inevitable, so I postulate that for willed actions, things that we think 'we do', we consider that we have made that thing happen after, or during, the effect. Crucially, we haven't caused the action at all, but we egotistically consider that we have. We like to feel in control, empowered, and that empowerment is not a fundamental attribute of the universe; no one part of the universe has more power or control than another, we merely feel powerful as an egotistical and social construct. We might feel others are powerful too, but there is no intrinsic power over any action. Power is a belief.

Consider an example. We might want to raise our right hand, and then do so. Firstly; the desire to raise a hand was first implanted. We might see, from that initial suggestion, that we are already going to raise a hand. We might internally argue that it was our choice to raise it, or that we are otherwise happy to do so. We don't consider the hand, or the concept of its raising, or the person or faculty who suggested that we raise it, our master. We feel in control. When it raises, we consider that we did this.

In a deterministic universe, the hand was always going to raise. We, as people, use complex arguments to convince ourselves that we were responsible and in control of this act. If we did not raise our hand, this again was inevitable, and we would convince ourselves that it was our free choice. Every wilful act is one of self-deception.

There are other types of will. We might feel that we are pressured into doing something. This social action might have no direct physical link. 'He made me do it' in a moral argument is considered weak because we are considered to have more personal will than social will, but I would argue that this social will is identical to our personal will. We are composite beings ourselves, and we consider some of our actions more wilful than others. Our feeling of being coerced might genuinely be stronger than our own will to do something.

We feel in control of certain things, such as the ability to raise our hand, and less in control of others. We might feel free to change job, or move to a new country, but perhaps this feeling of control is less strong than the feeling of our ability to raise our hand; we are less confident (confidence is a social construct of relative empowerment). We might feel able to complete a complex task, perhaps with help from friends. We rarely feel able to cause the sun to rise, but if it did rise, we are able to feel that we caused it, if our ego and feeling of empowerment were large enough. Events can happen that we feel that we have caused which we did not, or had no influence on or ability to cause; this itself might be the origin of mental illnesses such as post-traumatic stress, or a guilt complex. Events might also occur which we are unaware of, but which a third party might think we have caused in some part. One could say that a new exhibition of van Gogh paintings was caused, in part, by Vincent van Gogh, even though he would, in his life, could never have been aware of causing this exhibition.

To reiterate; things occur as they always would. For some events, we consider that we made them happen, we attach our will, our egotistical credit, to these. Perhaps this is a factor of humanity, that we like to feel powerful, and will itself is an expression of this. Our importance is relative to our feelings of being in control, of feeling powerful, of feeling wilful, yet this is all illusory, as we can attach or detach our will to any action; even raising our hand. If someone else should take our hand and raise it, we might feel that we are letting them, but that we remain in control, or we might feel that they are in control of the situation. The action is identical even though the feelings of will are different.

What of choice? We are sometimes faced with a choice, perhaps a life-choice such as what to subject to study in school. The choice, I would argue, is always destined, and we convince ourselves that we willingly made it. Each micro-argument along the long path of a complex decision like this is made and set, a winding path of arguments and conclusions, each bend of this path is self-credited to our will, even though its course was inevitable.

Of course, there are many implications to this.

In morality, free will is of paramount importance. The difference between a murder and an accidental death is only one of will; a murderer wants to kill someone, a person responsible for an accidental death didn't. Consider a criminal, who in court argues that his crime was inevitable, that he had no free will, that his fate was to become a criminal, and thus deny responsibility. This might be a valid argument, but the court itself is a unit of ego and social power, and, believing itself to have power over the universe (in particular over the criminal, and the whole populace), its social arguments would defeat the criminal's wider philosophical ones. If the court should accept the criminal's argument that determinism exists, then it would also have to accept that its own free will does not exist, and so a judgement either way is unimportant, and that the criminal justice system itself is pointless.

The court, however, is part of human society, a social construct, so its actions are socially made; not based on physics or the fundamentals of universal truth. Court decisions are social decisions based on social truth, which are ultimately the feelings of morality in a population.

These same feelings are inherent in us, which is why we feel guilty, responsible for our actions, and empowered, even if in actuality, these feelings are not a reflection of reality.

Our feeling of being in control of any aspect of our actions is simply a feeling. We feel that other people have more or less power than ourselves; also mere feelings. If we wish to ascribe the rising of the sun to our will, we may. This is no different from the belief that we can raise our hand, as can be illustrated by the burden of proof: can anyone prove that any act is due to will? This very question has never been answered and has mystified philosophers, yet here, I argue that its lack of proof proves that will does not exist except as a social, egotistical construct.

Let's consider another of the many implications; on physics and multiple universes. In a deterministic universe, everything can be calculated, yet quantum events are fundamentally unpredictable. There are theories of multiple universe, each of which represents a different possibility. For me, the universe has a solipsistic element; if time is relative to the observer, then space is also, knowledge is also, and reality is also. If we could travel through time then the universe experienced by us would be necessarily unique to us. Every viewpoint is necessarily unique, so each viewpoint must necessarily depict a new universe, of sorts, but, crucially, this is different from a universe of possible actions; each of these universes of viewpoint would be deterministic, total, pre-set, and finite in quantity. This view is not in conflict with a universe devoid of will.

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

The Fingers Of Evil

My ear is recovering well today and it has been a good day. I've spent most of it working on new, 600dpi artwork for my albums. More on this later.

I'm making good progress on a new piece of music, The Fingers Of Evil which feels new and exciting, something like genuine surrealist music. It was made using instant images which is the way I write stories, or develop film ideas, and to some extent now, albums too. The idea is that, like the images I paint, this captures an instant emotion and existence, like an 'information blob'.

I began with an image, a scene, which appeared unconsciously - I am always dreaming, even when awake, and aware of these thoughts and images, perhaps the years of meditation allow me to see these dreams at any time, on a 'second screen' of the mind, but I don't believe in a simple conscious and unconscious mind, the mind is many personalities and consciousnesses; we can communicate with and become any, and often switch between many in a normal day.

The image was of long white fingers with pointed fingernails, clawing towards me in absolute blackness, rapping their yellowed fingernails on a hard surface. It was probably inspired by the wonderful ink-black imagery in David Lynch's The Grandmother. I noted this, a quick text sketch, and then kept writing, as fast as I could, just a list of images, text, sounds, people; a blast of information. It's better not to think in these circumstances and just keep writing quickly.

This is the way I came up with some of the pieces I used for ArtsLab, some of which made it onto Tree of Keys, such as Paradise Lost or War Song. The resulting script was a mix of sounds and words:

scratches, candles, darkness, soil
Here are the fingers
Long and spidery
Pulling at your white matter
contaminating you with their ink

in a chessboard arena
GIANT JUDGE'S HEADS
(chanted)
Feel us!
Feel us!
Feel us!
Feel us!

happy sunlit kitchen, 1950s America, birds and flowers outside
Do you remember when times were good
The smell of the bacon in the morning
The sun-people of honey and smiles
Can you recall what it was like?
Is that part of you still there?

black fingerland
Now the fingers play their pipes
seducing you
and your lonely skin

(chanted)
Who is right now?
Who is right now?
Who is right now?
Who is right now?

an aluminium room, at a desk DEVIL
Which is it going to be?
HEADS
(chanted)
Feel us!

You must choose between good and evil
Are you good or evil?

There are also sounds for each part but it's harder to write those down. These appeared in my head at the moment of conception, so the script above can be seen as a mnemonic.

After this, each section is broken into images and music. Some sections had vague indications of audio, but generally the sections are a matter of mood alone so there is enough freedom to allow some creative unity in the music without betraying the purity of the concept (we must always be careful to honour this - it is this purity of truth that is essential to preserve). The different sections seemed to suggest other music I've heard, from Queen's Lap Of The Gods to Get Out Of My House by Kate Bush. Some sections march, and I thought of Michael Kamen's music for battle scene in Brazil, and Scott Walker's avant-garde voices here and there too.

I'm excited about the possibilities here for something new in music. This feels more like genuine unconscious music - that is 'instant emotion capture' music, a closer analogue to contemporary poetry vs. Victorian poetry. Modern pop music, as I've often said, feels so twee and easy, repetitive, emotionless, and bland, compared to the rawness and richness of tapestries like this; but, of course, as with modern poetry, it might take an evolution of taste to enjoy and understand. All new art must.

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

Meditation, Fear of Contentment, The Battle of Art

We dart between terror and anxiety, which are the thrills, the essence of life, energy, creative force; and peace, contentment, the deadness and nothingness. Neither on their own are useful, though generally I fear contentment most, as this can be like a drunk state. I used to meditate, every day in my twenties, for ten years, but I can't now and don't need to; those pats of my mind which I need to access I can access at any time when needed. The process of meditation can be calming to a troubled mind, but can also train the mind into a state of deadness, neutrality, a sort of terrifying death. We can rest and find inner peace at any time in life, find acceptance and comfort at any time. After this is achieved, then the thought of it is horrific. We were at peace before we were born, and will be after we die. Life should be about work, social experience, interactivity, the transformation of chaos into order.

Perhaps creativity shouldn't always be a battle, not always difficult or hard work, but, for me, if it feels easy it is not valuable. I hate and fear laziness. What is difficult is good, but one must be careful of artificial difficulty; things must be a challenge, not difficult for their own sake, so challenges must be logically rather than emotionally constructed, and must concern the new. Everything is training towards an ultimate, and never attainable, mastery.

Pause

A painful night, it felt like imps were kicking me in the head with each throb of heartbeat. My ear remained blocked, yet was less blocked yesterday, it seemed that the warm olive oil caused more problems than it solved, when last night it certainly helped. I dreamt of Abba, clothed in long white fur trimmed coats, being chased through a snowy forest, like Narnia's, by two men of horse back. It was some sort of narrative or film rather than reality. They decided to kill Anna Frid with throwing knives, to make it more interesting.

No pain today but my ear completely blocked. I had hoped that this would last a day or two but it seems it will take the week, so I'll stop work on music production and make alternative plans.

Today is the first day of the Steam Games Fest, which officially starts at 6pm and features Taskforce, the first time I've tried any such thing. I feel increasingly disconnected with everything in the world, but reminded that I often have been. The busy times, generally performing or organising often feel too much too, and at such times I pray for time alone to purely create. These few months have been such rarities for that, so precious.

Hayfever is especially bad at the moment for some unknown reason, so I'm trapped inside. I'll use this ear-hayfever break to step back, analyse, plan. I dislike pausing, I'll try to keep it brief.

Monday, June 15, 2020

Earache, Moments Of Terror

I can hear slightly better today, warm olive oil seems to help, although the earache/headache and jaw pain is now worse than the mere deafness, it feels like some sort of dislocation or muscle spasm. I used to have a lot of earache as a child which was awful and led to some hearing loss. I pray it does not return.

I've managed to work on some music though. I'm getting frustrated at the slow pace of things. David Bowie, apparently, wrote and recorded quickly, an album in a fortnight. I used to create things very quickly; I recall The Spiral Staircase took ten days to compose and produce which I considered an eternity at the time, although many of those early albums such as Animalia were compiled over a long period, perhaps a year, because they were secondary to my main work as a game developer. Now I consider the music of central importance.

Burn of God took a couple of months, and The Modern Game a year or so, and often many days per track. This one is going more quickly, so I am making progress in this learning process. I must remember that David Bowie had a team to help at every stage, I do everything alone including all of the performances all of the production process, the artwork, and even designing and programming the software, as well as the basics of the actual writing.

I've sequenced a little; a new song, almost in the style of The Prodigy, called Moments Of Terror When Falling Asleep, which is very mechanical in rhythm and style; I've broken many of my rules about digital composition, but will add more analogue 'chaos' to the essential order/chaos balance. The pain makes creating anything a struggle. I wonder if I could manage a vocal like The Pixies in Debaser; for me, that tune of theirs stands out for the aggression and energy.

It was very much in my mind while writing this song which is about the fear of social disconnection. I've noticed that when drifting off to sleep I experience moments of terror or extreme anxiety, and yet, when waking the next day forget all about it, as though it were a secret torture in another world; only to revisit the next night, and again remember it. Once, last week, I wrote this down and so remembered it. Sometimes, during sleep paralysis (which can be terrifying in itself, the emotions there are irrational and raw) I make notes next to my bed, only to wake and find that they were made in the dream dimension. It's quite understandable that people like John Whiteside Parsons believed that this space was a reality.

Sunday, June 14, 2020

More Lost Highway

Still largely deaf and lacking in energy, but could hear well enough in my right ear to complete watching Lost Highway, with apologies for committing the sin of seeing this film in two halves.

It is a film that, like the excellent Videodrome, is a whole. Now I've seen it I can read about it and I am somewhat amazed that people found it incoherent, when the narrative is straightforward to (admittedly surreal) me. The story and concept are the highlights of the film, but it lacks the emotional highs and imagination generally of Lynch's other work and some elements felt too similar to, yet worse than, Blue Velvet. Loggia, as very much a Frank Booth character, was far inferior to Hopper. Too much of the character dynamics were too unrealistic to be engaging... sometimes frustratingly unrealistic. There are moments that are so bad that they emulate Ed Wood. I make this criticism out of sadness, because I see so many good seeds in it and things in it I wish I could, with a magic wand, change to make it wonderful.

Of course, it's still more interesting than 99% of Hollywood's output. Good quality films are hard to come by. It's nice to dream of making a film (The Johnstown Project?) but it takes 100 people, 100 million dollars, 100 tons of equipment, and one year, and 99.99% of the time the film remains unseen and, if seen, forgotten in 100 minutes.

Perhaps my deafness and head pain has made me think visually today. I feel enthused and able to create, although when I'll be able to sequence music is up to the gods. Of course, this music will probably remain unlistened to, too, but I must still do my best each time, and give it every chance and hope, such that when I am dead, someone may find it. Such is art.

Deafness, Lost Highway

Awoke completely deaf in my left ear and semi-deaf in my right and with a general and persistent headache due to some sort of sinus pressure. I think this is an allergic reaction, as my hayfever was unexpectedly bad yesterday, with an itchy throat whenever I went out for a few minutes. Combined with yet another day of constant stomach pain, these ailments are an annoyance. Still, I've started sequencing work on a new audio piece tentatively called The Fingers Of Evil.

I watched an interview with David Lynch yesterday talking about the making of The Elephant Man, which was interesting. I love his work, and wish he would make more. I read the Ronnie Rocket script years ago and the images still remain with me. The interview also reminded me how abnormal I am compared to other humans. I grew up believing that my so-called parents were evil androids determined to kill and torture me with their strange punishments. In engaged emotionally only with my first computer and by the time I left school at 16 I had largely stopped communicating or socialising with other people and didn't speak to anyone until I joined my first art club at the age of 34. I've grown to understand other people more but never felt like them or part of society in any way, more like a completely different species.

I started to watch Lost Highway last night. I knew nothing about it before watching, which I prefer. It was unexpected because the story was surrealistic somehow, but not the visuals or actions or interpretations. After watching a lot of Lynch's work recently, it contrasted sharply with earlier and brilliant works such as The Grandmother. Art should be emotionally arresting, ideally amazing, wondrous. Bill Pullman seems miscast, as did Nicolas Cage in Wild At Heart. Perhaps Jack Nance should have been his leading man in everything, like Max von Sydow or Erland Josephson for Bergman. Jack's single scene in Wild At Heart was one of the most memorable.

I have re-imagined a new start of Lost Highway; the scene opens with the Pullman character awoken by a buzzer at the door (as in the film), he is lyin next to his wife in their silk bed but we see only her dark hair, she could be a dummy for all we know. Octopus tentacles are coming from under the sheets on her side onto the floor. We see this from above as he rises, a very short shot. He answers the buzzer, a voice says the line about the death, which bemuses him, he quickly sees if anyone is outside; there is not. He writes down the message, which changes as the film moves on. Well I haven't the space here to write it all out, but I found the film inspiring, but, sadly, perhaps for the wrong reasons for the first time in a David Lynch film, that I thought it could have been done better. The first act seemed too slow. Everything looked too clean too, I felt it needed to flicker or be grainy. The best shots were the exteriors from low angles.

Today I feel Beethovenish, due to the deafness. Let us see what the day brings.

Saturday, June 13, 2020

Bees, Migraines, Surrealist Music

A good day yesterday, although it always seems that I get too little done. In the morning I noticed a large bee in the garden on the purple starry flowers (Campanula portenschlagiana, I think). It was about twice the size of the other bees, with an orange back and white tip. It seems it was a Tree Bumblebee which is apparently a newcomer to Britain.

It took a while to get music work done. I registered with Keymailer to promote my Steam games there in the morning and probably didn't start work on Fear Of The Thing Itself until 3pm or so. I recorded a new take of the verses and extra layering vocals for the 'with a touch of murderous' line. The timing of the layers isn't as matched as I'd like. For layered vocals the timing needs to match closely. For the chorus this isn't important, that is supposed to sound like many voices, but I'd prefer something more exact for the main layers (I think). I could cheat and play with it digitally, but I don't like doing that; that is easy, when this is a skill that should be mastered, but also I think the emotional quality would be affected. Things should be done in one take of the correct emotion, not toyed with afterwards. In all singing, the emotion is captured, and singing just one line separately tends to disrupt this. There are also physical factors of microphone height and distance when recording in a separate session, and these differences are generally audible, but this is a secondary issue.

It might help to have a click track or lead in for the start, as the timing at the start is often more difficult. In this song the timing is difficult to master anyway because the tempo varies starkly (this is not a dance track) and there is often no percussion as a guide anyway - gaps of silence then boom, the next verse appears. I think the results here are okay, it's certainly far better than the 2015 version; how far I have come in five years. Yes, that is a long time, only the last year has really been one of vocal focus. Better things are to come. I design everything to be a learning exercise.

At 5pm or so, while reading Wikipedia, my vision became strange and I noticed that I couldn't read easily, I had blind spots to the upper right of my vision, and I had a headache, like a lack-of-sleep headache, or eye strain. The blind spots continued for an hour or so, while I cooked tea, and I felt a little dizzy, then the periphery of my vision began to glow, become brightly lit and blurry, with the centre of my vision remaining clearer. It was like the visual experience when out-of-body, so perhaps it was a domination of the internal visual processing as it attempted to process insufficient sensory data.

It was probably a migraine. I experienced something like it once as a teenager, but not since. I had hardly slept yesterday, only two or three hours, and I felt tired and irritable all day, so that may have been a factor.

I've started taking Phosphatidyl Serine, 100mg, every other day, perhaps a month ago. There is evidence that this helps with memory, although it is expensive at about £15 for two months worth. Perhaps my brain is rewiring and I am gaining a form of super-vision.

I'm watching more David Lynch films and his work is on my mind still. I've also watch the first series of The IT Crowd which was repeated this week. Perhaps as a result, last night I dreamt of buying a 1991 Amstrad CPC 464 for £20 from a 'bargain bucket' of old computer bits. There was another machine there, a black box I thought of as a Spectrum, for £20 too, which I wrapped up and someone else then bought at my suggestion, so this persuaded me to buy the Amstrad. The Amstrad though, was a grey cuboid of the size and shape of a Chatwins box of 12 mince pies, although in its grey cube there was a cassette tape drive. I said to the checkout person that it was for historical/museum reasons rather than to use. I spent some time hunting for a video cable for it, which was a short VGA cable, but the device had many more video ports on it of an unusual shape and design, so I had hoped for a better, the ideal, cable in the box of equipment, but we couldn't find any (we, because the manager or man who ran the shop helped me search). I regretted buying the machine, thinking that I'd wasted my money, and that the other black device was a better buy.

Now I have nine songs complete, with vocals for Except For The Hatred to record. I need to write more. I have a few ideas; the guiding principle is for songs that are new and unique and marvelous and startling in subject or style. I feel enthused about the idea of surrealist music, in the hyperrealism sense; not the make-it-up automatic unconscious sense, not improvised jazz, but the fantastical like my paintings. I listened to much of Pawn Hearts by Van Der Graaf Generator last night (while migrained). It often sounds like a tuneless cacophony and it's no surprise that they were one of the least commercially successful of the progressive/psychedelic bands, but they are very inventive and complex and different, and so valuable.

Gender Egality

Gender issues have been in the news a lot so I thought I'd type up these ideas about gender equality.

Gender has both psychological and physiological attributes and nobody is pure male or pure female in either category.

Psychologically, people can feel or act in a more male or more female way, irrespective of physiology. There is a certain amount of socialisation of gender and how each gender is expected to behave.

Physiologically, people have different levels of hormones at different times, and so perhaps the levels of actual physical maleness and femaleness vary in time. Of course people can be literal hermaphrodites, or chemically party male and part female at once.

In pre-industrial societies, these factors aren't important; people can do or act how they like, and treat others how they like. Now, in our society of categorisation and organisation, gender issues can cause problems. If equality is desired the solution is as simple: ignore gender.

In this world, all genders mix and gender is not treated as important. Categorisation by gender is illegal. Companies would not be permitted to ask people's gender and governments must not compile or keep any statistics on gender, including for example on birth certificates and medical records, as well as in more trivial areas such as tax forms.

The current statistics on, for example, the gender pay gap, necessarily increase gender division. As well as a gender pay gap, for example, there is a height pay gap; taller people earn more than shorter people, yet statistics on this are more rarely compiled and not highlighted on the news, so height-ism is far less of an issue than sexism. Height-ism is less of an issue not because it is less important, but because the statistics are not tracked and the differences not focused upon. It is by such analysis that divisions occur and are exacerbated. Having a minister for gender equality will, by this very act, create greater gender division by focusing on gender differences. If we had a Minister for Height Equality and compiled and analysed statistics on height then heightism (see, I've already made it one word) would become an issue as important as gender; all conjured up by merely looking at the statistics. By the same token, reversing this trend would naturally create greater equality because it would not be an issue; people really wouldn't imagine or consider gender differences as existing at all. The same, of course, applies to race.

All toilets would be mixed gender, as would all clothes shops and clothing departments in shops. Clothes sizes would need to be standardised.

All sports are mixed gender and divided by ability. It would be quite usual for a football team to be mixed. Each sport would have to carefully define its categorisation to make matches even between competitors; disability sports does this now to a good extent. The differences between Paralympic athletes are usually greater than the gender differences in 'able bodied' athletes.

Of course, socially, people would be well aware of gender, but this system would remove any legal or systematic prejudices.

This is perhaps the most extreme example. It might be, for example, that keeping gender on medical records would help doctors treat a patient (keeping ones entire genetic structure might help too - although that is a more complex and nuanced set of data and would probably need a computer to utilise). Perhaps, in this case, birth gender could be treated as medically confidential.

Perhaps greater gender mixing would increase the risk of sexual violence, in toilets for example, although perhaps greater gender mixing would reduce the risk by normalising gender mixing. In gender segregated systems, single gender schools for example, do people have better or worse understanding of gender differences?

Religion would be another area of contention, with some religions having dogmatic rules regarding gender.

Thursday, June 11, 2020

Fear Of The Thing

Recorded the first vocals to Fear Of The Thing Itself today. The singing was energetic and complex, there are many layers here and the process took an hour even with good preparation. I'm pleased with my singing, but all of my songs before 2019 had one flaw; I paid no attention at all to the vocal range or comfort, and this one is either low or high. I can sing many parts an octave higher but it never quite seems to feel right, it was just not well designed. I could, of course, rework it now and pitch it all up, but I probably won't because I'm used to hearing it as it is. I think this song will take a while to craft.

I'm feeling a little lost, trapped by fate. I am reminded that we ride the rapids of life and any attempt at steering or battling against the flow is merely an illusion of control. We are never in control; our quantum mind can imagine control, and this grants us the illusion. Yet, fight we must pretend to do.

Law and order seems to have broken down, with companies and even local government taking actions based entirely on popular opinion on social media - unregulated social media, the real problem for the world, just as unregulated press were the problem at the start of the 20th century. The two months of social isolation and restrictions, fear of a virus; these things, I think, have caused riots and anger more than any other factor. It seems that the world has become paranoid, vindictive, mad. Britain seems to be undergoing something like the Chinese Cultural Revolution; mobs destroying art in the name of progress.

Speaking of China, yesterday I signed my first international book deal, licencing the exclusive Chinese rights to my book 21st Century Surrealism. It is by far my most popular book, and, now I think of it, my most popular creation of any sort except for Flatspace, selling more, to date, than any other game, book or music album.

The rapids await. I will work more on the song tomorrow, then on the rest of the album, then on more albums, more films, more paintings, more expressions of humanity, more observation, introspection, creation, more of the best things I can.

Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Pyjama My... Manifesto for Music

Eight songs down now on my new Pyjama album and, for the first time, it seems to be coming together and sounding good, a definite step in the right direction. Despite the mix of strange and more pop-orientated songs, everything feels like it holds together. The older Norman Bates song is rather long, and perhaps owes more to Kate Bush, Hammer Horror perhaps. I've added strings to it today which certainly helps the lead.

The most surreal and experimental song, The Escape Angels, is sounding normal and beautiful to me now; this is the sort of direction I want to move towards, something completely new. One other purpose of album is to release a few older songs that deserve to get out there, to rework Fear Of The Thing Itself, for example, and Warm Comfy Sofa.

It's been a generally slow day. I've recorded new vocals Two Parents Of A Child, which I'll include here too. I wrote a song in the night which I might add to the collection called Beat Me Tender. The theme is dark enough.

It appears that my computer should support a 64-bit OS, so I'm considering the anxious and arduous task of reformatting the drive and installing a new operating system.

Next steps; to record new 'Fear' vocals. I've recorded some but they were ill prepared rushed and not good. I also need to record complete vocals for Except For The Hatred. That finishes off the planned songs so far. I will write more, and discard the weakest. I might work on a Christmas one too which was originally called What Have You Done To The F***ing Turkey Marjorie! but I'll not explete it! In style it's like a Splodgenessabounds song. How blessed I am to have such a wide range of bonkers influences!

I feel a manifesto for free music coming on, inspired by Lars von Trier's Dogme 95. Some of his manifesto was silly (films must be in colour! ridiculous - all of the best films I've seen have been in black and white - I'm increasingly thinking that all films should be in black and white). Music desperately needs an artistic revival though. Modern music feels like it is in crisis and even the experts and enthusiasts are divided and lost. Among the points:

1. No auto-tune, on vocals or anything else, and no auto-harmonies. Because this harms expression. Music is about human to human communication, and malforming it should never be done. Some audio effects are destructive, some not. It's important to know the difference and which.
2. No digital regularity in rhythm (no drum machines) or volume (no identical notes). This isn't a hard rule, but generally, all regularity will harm expression, so should be used with great care if at all. All of my recent music might sound digital and regular, but, when examined closely, nothing is, and the ear does pick this naturalism up.
3. No compression applied to a whole track - this has killed more emotion in music than anything, this quite for 'loudness'. Compression should be used very sparingly everywhere, I think.
4. No single effect of any sort, including EQ, applied to an entire track. Again, this will inevitably muddy dramatic contrast. Needing to apply EQ to a track is a sign of bad production or composition.
5. No digital-only releases. All music must be released on and designed for a physical medium of some sort.

That's all I can think of for now, but something on album/symphonic unity (the album or EP as an artform) would be nice. Do we need new definitions for 'album' and 'EP' now? Perhaps. New words... those words are historical.

Tuesday, June 09, 2020

Fragments

I awoke from a dream where I worked in an office of some sort as a secretary or junior. A forty-something David Bowie was there in a meeting with my boss and a girl who was somewhat awed by the musician. I was asked to do various silly jobs that seemed like pointless time fillers; my boos seemed like an idiot who didn't really want me to do anything. Such is a lot of 'work' in the 'real world', so I believe.

I did little in the morning, a little tired after a full yesterday. I sang at 2pm, as my parents went out, giving me a welcome time slot. I sang the new overlay vocals for 'Since You Kicked Me Out'. Now I feel used to knowing which volcas need doing and layering. I also recorded a full set for 'Fear of the Thing Itself', lots of one-takes as there are necessarily lots of layers here. I feel dissatisfied with the music today, all of it.

A new USB audio interface arrived but doesn't work, it seems it will only work on 64-bit operating systems. They don't say this anywhere; the box itself simply says 'PC Compatible'. I've contacted their customer support, which itself was a frustrating experience because I had to unpack everything and register the device with them just to contact them.

Saddening. This might be the first thing I'll ever have to return to Amazon. This is made more difficult as it's expensive and from a third-party seller. A saddening day. A frustrating day. Everything feels annoying.

I updated Taskforce a bit, and this tiny update introduced a bug. I don't mind tracking down some bugs; this one proved to be a fundamental one with my game engine, a crash when trying to delete a sprite which doesn't exist. My code is normally so efficient that I've never before, in 18 years, tried to delete a sprite which doesn't exist; I literally keep track of all of them and delete only when needed. In this case, the sprite was part of a menu system, and the menu in question was unnaturally triplicated - one option appearing on three pages. Naturally, all three pages need updating when any one is cycled. It's a bit messy but I've fixed the bug.

I have seven finished songs now. They very quite a lot in style and balancing. I would prefer if the latter were unified. I like the idea of an album as an artform, unity. I generally dislike collections, but this is an experiment, not serious, so it's fine to mix up songs old and new, strange and catchy. Perhaps, for the sake of unity, I could link parts somehow.

It seems that the CD is a dead format, but this saddens and annoys me too. Downloads have silly restrictions. The law about a track not being able to change name, like 'Cephalopoda' on Animalia, is one such silly rule. I'm still tempted to make the CD version show the correct title of 'Gastropoda'. Another is track length; on Burn of God I wanted a few very short tracks, a few seconds, as headers. This is not allowed in downloads. Downloads are pop-music-only. That is all. And the sound quality is poor. Books don't seem to be dying, so why would CDs? Perhaps because CD players are not being made or sold, and removed from cars. Must we resort to vinyl? Music, a ubiquitous artform, is being devalued everywhere. Made only for backgrounds, the mindless, brainless, soulless. I must continue to steer away from silly trends and aim at only the best. I will make works of album-size and scope, even if alone.

David Lynch has given up making films it seems. I used to meditate in my twenties, almost for the whole decade, but it seems a selfish act, to do nothing for the world. I fear and hate the idea contentment or happiness, what pointless and selfish aims. The romantic must fight, every day. Create, scream. The measure of an artist is creating when there is no need for it. Creating when there is a need is not art, it is work, commerce, 'graphics', 'craft' and other such insults. I have only death awaiting so no time to waste pandering to commerce or chasing other's ideas.

I must break the next tasks into rational steps, and get this album finished this month at least. I need to complete Fear, and some artwork for it all, but also add new tracks... unification, smoothing, joining. This is all an experiment, I must remember that. A study, as van Gogh says. A final work is one whole, a unity. Beethoven, Sulzer, Neefe; they knew this.

Monday, June 08, 2020

New Paths

A good day, managed to record 'The Arm' completely, and feel a new path in music. I've also recorded lots of new vocals for 'Since You Kicked Me Out'. The contrast of works is strong; 'Since...' is a very standard rock song which could be a chart hit, while 'The Escape Angels' is surrealistic. I'm unsure about combining such extremes, but this alone is exciting, different. I feel most excited about the experimental and surrealistic works, but 'Since...' remains a great song filled with positive energy too.

I can see a new and clear path in music. In my paintings, I like polish and finesse, it is the subject that is key. What is said is always more important than how. I'm not interested in shock tactics or extreme effects, the message should define the content; raw when needed, not when not, so it will be with music. I've listened to a lot of so-called avant-garde and strange music but not much of it seems particularly strange or cutting edge to me. I can almost see a whole new world, untouched to explore. This feels exciting, and my goals of learning more about the technical skills of vocal audio production are making great progress. I feel ready to focus on different songs and soundscapes, but all must be of the best quality.

I have more vocal layers to record for Since You Kicked Me Out, and everything for Fear of the Thing Itself, too. I have some other song ideas about biological matters. I feel able to create tens or hundreds of albums. Onward we march. I may be obscure at the moment, but I know the value of my work. I must always focus on quality, learning, scrutinising, comparing with the best, pushing for the best, and the better.

Grayson Electric Dream and The Arm

I slept for a long time, dreaming of Grayson Perry and a strange electrical disturbance caused by a rotating, electric auto-pointing miniature watercolour paint brush. This device shorted out every electrical object in the large, hall-like, room which was filled with people doing things. Everything electrical seemed to be coming alive, and full of sparks in a dangerous way, but it calmed down after a while. We switched on the television to see if the whole world was affected but it didn't see to be. In an earlier part of the dream, I was a teenage boy in school, or playing one in a TV drama. In the street the drama continued, and Deb was with me. I noted that many characters, four, had one eye or right eye problems (glasses, strange yellow eyes without pupils, injuries). I talked to a man about wood carving. He showed me some light-wood carvings over a piece of walnut wood which he was proud of, but the walnut wasn't particularly beautifully grained and I told him so. Later, in Grayson Perry's house, I observed some beautiful walnut on his ceiling, as I lay on my back on a table and propelled it backwards by kicking in the hall-sized room.

I awoke with a song idea fully formed, a song sung by an amputated arm in a country-drawl style a bit like The Beatles' 'Rocky Raccoon'. These ideas are probably influenced by the recent David Lynch films.

Sunday, June 07, 2020

Wild At Heart, Lamp, Escape Angels

Focusing on music today, trying to stay peaceful and creative in a world in turmoil. I watched the end of David Lynch's Wild at Heart last night, a good film, better than I had expected. Not a subtle film, every symbol and idea was overt, but many scenes were powerful and compelling, and several that were not powerfully emotional made a unique visual or emotional impact. I liked many ideas, the woman covering her entire face with lipstick, the men with false legs scene, the chat around the table in the nowhere town (I can't even remember the name of it).

One thing I would have done is ended the film with Sailor, Lula, and their son riding their car over the rainbow to 'Love Me Tender', rather than merely singing it. Well, I say this, but I'd have not made a film like this at all of course, but, perhaps similarly surrealistic. I've read a script for the unrealised Lynch film Ronnie Rocket, which I found online years ago, and as a script alone it is a great film. That script still fills my mind with images. It's a pity that the film was not made and probably never will be.

I also watched a short film, Lamp, in which David Lynch makes a lamp, well, descorates one with plaster-like material. It is a precursor of YouTube 'making' videos, being filmed in the pre-internet era, but is little more than this; surreal in itself for being so ordinary.

Artistically I've re-recorded the 'Cherries' song today, and some new vocals for the end of 'Years of Art'. I'm more confident of my singing voice now, though still improving, faster at hitting the right note and more comfortable at improvising in a scale. These things are a key aim of my music at the moment. I'm leaning more about vocal production work too. I've tended to be too minimalistic perhaps, using a voice like a lead instrument, when it works best with some accompaniment or compliment from an sub instrument.

I've also recorded a new song, 'The Escape Angels', the surrealistic song I mentioned in an earlier post, which uses a saw, although the music is largely based around cellos and a deep synth bass. The hard part is making such a strangely structured song, which is designed to evoke feelings of fear, abuse, and damage, appealing. It is also one of my most free songs in timing terms, most of the instruments were played live without any guide to timing, simply layered, although there is a sort of verse/chorus/verse structure.

Finally today I've played around with a new production of my 'Plastic Superman' song. I couldn't decide if it should be a rock song like The Kinks' 'Superman' or electronic like a Giorgio Moroder or Vince Clarke song. Electronic seems to work best.

Cherries

I've reworked the 'Cherries' song today. Have spent far too long working on this strange art song, but it had to be right. Today was dogged by technical problems with my faulty and old sound equipment which has a habit of shorting out and need reconnecting during takes. Careful preparation is the key. Any frustration must be faced with pure logic and calm resolve. The first version sounded too suggestive, it kept creating images of Laurence Olivier talking about oysters, but also the chorus part was an improvised after thought. I thought I could make the words better generally, and wanted a rhyming couplet and stronger images. I feel ready to move on now. I've spent weeks on this album project and have only this short song finished.

Cherries

When you're young you like sweets
Tastes of cherries
As you age you explore
And crave nuance
Your mature tastes are bitter
Dark and strange
A crimson soul
Protecting coal

In hearts of darkness
fire and ice meet
Love's tang is sour
stroked with sweet

Saturday, June 06, 2020

All Lives Matter

A slow day. Went for a walk and visited Deb at a distance in the park.

It seems odd to strictly obey rules that appear to be widely flouted. The Black Lives Matter protests continue worldwide and seem strange, like an explosion of pent-up frustration rather than anything about racism. I seem to be the only person who, when hearing about the death of George Floyd and seeing the footage on Twitter, didn't for one moment consider it a race issue, but one of simple police brutality. My opinion was quickly usurped by the media. The police officers involved have no realistic chance of a fair trial. We are in a new era of mob rule on a scale without any historical precedent.

All lives matter; it can only divide races by focusing on one, or on any differences between us. Everyone, I expect, feels marginalised, ignored, oppressed, unfairly treated. The measure of civilised life is tolerating our misfortunes and being aware of the misfortunes of others. Judging from afar, it would seem that posh people, 'rich' others, are the most picked on (or democratic leaders - authoritarian dictators tend to crush critics). I doubt a 'Posh Lives Matter' protest will emerge. It seems that some who feel oppressed can gang together and jointly feel jointly oppressed, so perhaps individuals who feel marginalised and oppressed don't protest for this reason, these things are social events rather than philosophical statements or arguments. The speeches made at such rallies are like rock hits before fans, generally cheered irrespective of content as an act communal self-affirmation.

Of course, some lives matter more than others. Bacteria are considered enemies, even though 99% or more of species are harmless to humans, yet all are killed by bleaches, soaps, and other chemicals casually and without guilt. The smaller an animal is and the more alien it looks, the less its life seems to matter. The only life everyone wants to exterminate at the moment seems to be the Covid-19 virus; it is colourless, although the computer models on television are grey with red spots, which itself makes it looks rather like a space-alien. Of course, as it can't self-replicate, a virus is not a life-form by some definitions.

Friday, June 05, 2020

Vocals and Surrealistic Music

A bad night of agonising stomach pain, I slept perhaps 30 minutes. This regular pain always reminds me of Bergman and Beethoven.

Despite this, the morning was full of energy and I jumped into lively vocal recordings of songs for this Pyjama album project. The Year of Art song (previous post 'fun') and the Cherries song are just about finished. The 'fun' lyrics are sung in a high falsetto, sounding like the singer at the end of Blackadder II; rather strange. I can see how falsetto leads to a feeling of high energy itself; high pitch means high energy in physics. High pitch is youth, energy, life, fire, excitement.

In fact, these two unusual songs, really like nothing else I can think of, are the ones I've enjoyed most and found easiest. I've also recorded vocals for a new recording of Norman Bates, but the backing sounds too sparse and the melody too fixed. I'm wondering if my guide melody in the dub track is too restrictive, in timing especially, so I'll try some recordings without one.

I thought last night that surrealistic music barely exists. Perhaps Dali's Être Dieu is close, but Dali was not musical (he claimed to fear music). Surrealist poetry is common, and most surrealist music is jazz. Even David Lynch's music is lyrically inventive over fairly standard blues music.

I did make a few surrealist audio pieces, for ArtsLab, and some were featured on Tree of Keys. These were like audio plays. I decided to write a surrealist song last night and I conceived it, like the ArtsLab pieces, linearly one line at a time, dialogue or image or sound step by step, with no preconceived ideas about structure, perhaps like Dali and Buñuel when writing the script Un Chien Andalou. I then thought of breaking the result up into a verse and chorus structure to create an amalgam of play/audio montage and pop song. It is audio based, but, image based too, which is my favourite way of working. This is an important discovery and different from the other songs. I will keep experimenting with musicality.

It begins with the sound of sawing wood and a woman's sexual moans, and then a bass-line over this. I can imagine this being performed live, with one performer sawing, a world first for music! The general mood is fear, however, anticipation of something bad happening, and the sounds give way to surrealistic poetry. I'll record this over the next few days and may create others, well, I certainly will in future.

Today's singing was good practice, as was some live guitar playing to Roxy Music's Country Life last night, an album I don't rate that much because it's very rock based, very little synth or imagination of production, and the tiny red writing is impossible to read on the CD; the visual look of an album, I've found, really affects how I feel about it. Look, fashion, feeling; these things are so important yet are often ignored in musical art. Only in glam is it (was it?) considered important, when, I think, it is always important and does end up complementing the sound. I must aim to sing or produce or play guitar as often as possible. All artists must be learning a new, challenging skill.

Thursday, June 04, 2020

Subterrain

A poem today inspired by the Sacred Wonders of Britain documentary on BBC2 this morning, the Neolithic practice of digging for flint, although flint is plentiful on the surface, so it was speculated that it was a partly reverential act. I was reminded of the song Rawhide by Scott Walker, a song about Neolithic life.

Subterrain

With our picks of antler
we bite at the chalk flesh
of the earth, down
we go
removing the barbs
of black flint
which hurt it.

Lit by the sun's eye
we descend, man, woman,
then, like a hand sideways
into finger-holes of blackness
to feel damp chalk,
and glass flint.

We breathe the cool air
of these stone lungs
and become the earth,
air and ground together,
nurses
to tend the universe
as the universe tends us.

Wednesday, June 03, 2020

Fun

Working on music today. I feel in the artistic zone, trying to avoid the news and focus on new culture, history. Topics for reading today included Heiner Müller, plus Liu Shouxiang, Henri Richelet, Abraham Palatnik and kinechromatic art.

Most of the day has been spent working on the music for a new song, currently titled 'Song for Ron and Russell', but it probably won't be called that in the end. The key element with art is to be new, to be pushing something somewhere, somewhere new. I'm happy with this album so far, partly because the songs are of an unusual structure. I feel that I am pushing somewhere. Anyone can just output anything; anything can be called art, but it has to be difficult to prove its worth, because this makes it rare, and rarity makes it special. New art should always take effort, energy, thought... an entropic reversal. Life is about entropic reversal and art should be the paragon of life.

I want to create more songs now, to push and learn in new ways. Today's song was developed (as you might guess) as a tribute to Sparks, the band who have inspired much of this album. One thing about their music is it is fun, perhaps this is their most American component, and yet, it seems that for year and year they had album after album that seemed to go nowhere. This is what being and artist is, truly, but I felt a sense of fun vs. tragedy that I could use for a song.

Musically I've used my new Hammond Organ simulation for the bluesy chorus. The verse production was inspired by 'Tonight We Fly' by Divine Comedy with bits of 'This Town Ain't Big Enough'. Other influences so far include Scott Walker and David Lynch, but my palette needs pushing wider, into new, stranger worlds. Of course, Tree of Keys/ArtsLab did this a little. Let's see what happens. Meanwhile, here are my words so far:

Fun
You had fun
We had fun
It was fun
It was so much better, don't you think...
...than tragedy?
Oh, you don't know how hard it's been
You have no idea what it was like
The long years
Desert years
Of dust meals
Of flake and thirst
The trail of claws, in silence,
Brittle hope
And faith
Only faith

Shakespeare writing The Tempest
While my monkey weeps
Fun
It was fun
What choice do we have?

The Watusi
The Twist
The Charleston
The Strand
This dance ain't big enough for the both of us
The Dreamer
The Unwoken Fool

Monday, June 01, 2020

Cherries

Slow, buy steady, progress on my music project. I want to make some songs that are inventive and energetic, with the primary artistic aim of more practice of vocal work and production, and to create. The results so far sound good, but I'm running out of ideas so these next few days must be inventive. This should be the fun part, the joyous part, but it's strange that they often feel unpleasant, like being thirsty and tasting sips of many unsuitable drunk recipes.

I'm trying to listen to new and different music, seeds of inspiration. Last night I listened to Tilt by Scott Walker, one of the strangest albums in my collection - I have 100 CD albums at any one time. There are others that I don't think of as good enough, compilations etc. that I store in the 'wallet of shame', but the 100 are the 'best'. When I get a new CD it enters a trial period and if it is better than the worst of these 100, then it replaces it, thus I evolve the 100 best albums ever (in theory).

Anyway, Tilt is one of the strangest (the others perhaps being The Shaggs album and the Van Def Graaf Generator albums). All of the Tilt songs are long, with amelodic and non-repeating vocal lines over an orchestral backing, which barely seems to follow the vocals. It's an extension, perhaps of Climate of Hunter, but that was far more conventional. Tilt reminds me, in tone, of Beethoven's Late Quartets; strange music from solitude. I've yet to appreciate it fully and keep it in the 100 partly because it is extreme rather than appealing or technically excellent.

One song, Patriot, inspired me to write a song in a very approximate imitation this style:

Cherries

When you're young you like sweets
Tastes of cherries
As you age you explore
And crave nuance
Your mature tastes are bitter
Dark and strange
And my tastes are bitter
And eclectic

But you don't know where it will end
Where it will end
Where it will end

It reads (and sounds, musically) like it is about some sort of perversion, perhaps in a way it is, as it is about liking weird music. Tilt isn't remotely children's music; not catchy, not sweet, barely musical; like bitter chocolate, a Bendick's Mint, a bite of rocket; very much an adult palette, which is what Cherries is about.

One other thing I did today was emulate very closely a Leslie Speaker, an audio gizmo, by using a chorus effect that also used the same triangle oscillator for the effect depth. The Beatles used a Leslie Speaker a lot on Revolver, apparently. Yes, Revolver is one of my 100.